I had a really traumatic dream last night and when I woke up and went back to sleep to dream new dreams, that one stayed. I remember it clearer than the new ones and I feel so drained. Please don’t ask what it was about. Talking about it will force me to relive it and I’m already doing so against my own will with my memories. And even if it’s not in my head, I still feel exhausted, numb and like I want to vomit. I really hate this. I don’t feel like moving and not even tumblr, music or Harry Potter is cheering me up. In fact, I’m feeling much worse. I don’t know.
I just feel sick. Just mentally sick. I don’t want to eat or anything. This is not the first time my fear or any state of mind I’ve had affected my physical health but I just don’t have any will to do anything but try to type out my feelings here. Usually fear or extreme amounts of anxiety causes me to loose my appetite and completely alienate myself but this is the most scared I’ve ever felt in a long time and the stupid thing about this whole thing is that it was just a dream. It wasn’t even a real life experience.
I dunno if it’s because I dreamt of what I fear the most that can happen to me or whatever but I can feel anything else now. It just took a lot out of me and left nothing for me when I woke up.
I hate this.
I’m secretly hoping that I don’t have to write a fight scene/a shoot out in my RP. I suck so badly at writing fight scenes and I know nothing about guns, much less steampunky ones.
I should research on guns since my character is an expert at them and read stories with fight and shoot out scenes to get a better idea with writing. Curse you teenage romance novels! You didn’t train my writing skills enough!
I know I promised I wouldn’t do these personal issues post anymore because they’re childish and most people don’t care but I need to vent. (And I’m sorry there’s no “read more.” I’m using my phone to post this. Just press “j” on your keyboard to bypass this entire post. Sorry about the typos and grammatical errors, too.)
There is literally nothing I hate more than people assuming things about my emotions or what the relationship I have with them is. Just because we’re apparently supposed to friends or family doesn’t mean I’m not pissed off or disgusted by you. It doesn’t mean that I will excuse the crap you’ve done to me or still do to me. Just because I seemingly tolerate you at times and smile and kid doesn’t mean we’re “cool”. Just because I’m blatantly ignoring you doesn’t mean it’s necessarily because I’m in a bad mood. Maybe I’m angry at you. Maybe I’m trying to avoid you because I don’t want to look like the bad guy. Maybe I’m waiting to see how long it takes for you to notice that you’ve done something that hurt me and I’m testing you.
And it pisses me off that you don’t even care about me enough to ask why I’m ignoring you or why I’m being pissy. If you’re supposed to be family or a friend shouldn’t you act like it? I get that I genuinely have mood swings but shouldn’t you get suspicious if I never say much to you at all or be friendly to everyone except you?
The thing is some people never get that I lie to people I don’t care about or hide most things from such people. And they actually don’t even care to ask or care that I’m being that way. They’re just assuming. Or they don’t notice.
Or maybe they notice and just think I’m being unfair, moody, rude or “disrespectful” as a certain someone put it today. They don’t care. They think things will be better eventually when I “cool down”. I never cool down I just sometimes get tired of looking like the female dog in this and smile. And do you care enough as a “friend” or family member to resolve this issue I may have with you or, hell, ask? Nope.
(It’s even possible that I’ve told you something or things before about my feelings and you didn’t change or listen.)
And you still continue to demand and expect sunshine and rainbows from me because of the relationship we’re supposed to have. If you don’t even care about my feelings or care to listen, then that’s okay.
Just shut up about how we’re family or friends because you’re treating me like a stranger.
I should be happy but… I don’t feel like I want to go to college anymore… Or America or anywhere outside of my house. I just want to sleep and eat and browse the internet forever. I really don’t feel like interacting with people anymore, hence why I’m thinking about ditching school next week when it restarts for the term. Yeah.
But, lately I’ve had no ideas, really except for animal and plant personifications which are the only ideas which STILL looks like some artists’ style and ideas I’ve seen in my head.
And the somewhat different ideas I have are forgotten as soon as I begin to sketch it out or lost because I keep thinking about how hard certain poses and positions are to draw. And I’m beginning to dread drawing figures and just end up sketching faces and portraits all the time.
UGH. UGH. I’m just reverting far away from improving and drawing based on my laziness and lack of creative ideas.
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I dunno. I feel bad for making vague or over wordy “I hate my life, woe is me, boo hoo” posts and reblogging with commentary a lot.
Soooo, today was the last day of school for the term and the last full term before my Unit 2 CAPE exams in May. I failed Sociology which I knew from the moment I saw that paper. And my form teacher was like, “Hey, this is your last report! So this is your last time technically as high school students. You’re all adults, now!” And right when people started to cheer she was like, “That means no one will ever care about you at all and you will be nothing but a number,” with a grin.
That’s one teacher I can say I will definitely miss.
Oh! I did good on my mock interview and they said I was “confident”. Ha ha ha, nope!
But still glad I was able to fake it.
I’ll upload my dumb sketches later when I upload my poodlecorn which I need to start cracking on.
I also have to cram out/catch up on my CAPE studies. I did get accepted into one college in the US (yay, no UWI) but I’ll still try to study to get into the habit, I guess.
And maybe I’ll start back to write dumb poetry about how much I hate everything and blah blah sadness.
Yeah. Okay.
My life is very dry and I’ve been feeling nothing but numbness that can only momentarily go away with watching cartoons, browsing the web, writing when I have ideas and sleeping with dreams. They distract me and how empty I feel when I’m not doing those things. I just space out and barely think anything these days when I’m not distracted or I may think too much and cry or whatever.
I miss the days when I didn’t question everything and just accepted things blindly. Stupid growing up.
And you have to update it. And you suddenly want to change your tumblr theme really badly.
Stupid distractions and procrastinations. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I TOOK A BREAK FROM TUMBLR, DAMMIT!
But it’s not like it made a difference since I downloaded a GBA emulator and was playing Pokemon Ruby for HOURS instead of doing actual work. Yeah.
… but I hate terribly done makeup or when people use bad colours that don’t compliment their skin tone or facial features. (My taste of what I think looks right is based 100% on personal preference, btw.)
I see a lot of dark skinned girls wearing makeup that doesn’t match or compliment their skin tone. You have to realize that what the magazines say work for the white girl will not necessarily work for you. Use google or you tube to find tutorials of dark skinned girls putting on makeup or tips for people with dark skin, please.
And maybe I only like seemingly natural makeup or if it’s not entirely natural looking that you should go overboard or flamboyant with only one aspect of makeup like your eye makeup or lipstick/gloss colour, etc. while the rest of your face looks fairly natural, UNLESS you are going to a formal function or a club OR are a model in a photoshoot or something.
But like I said, it’s just personal preference.
I also hate to see dark skinned girls with tons of blush. I barely even wear blush myself.
Maybe I just think makeup isn’t supposed to make you look prettier but just draw attention to the beauty that’s already there.
I mean the most defined feature of a woman is either her body or her hair, not her face and makeup draws attention to your facial features sometimes to people who aren’t interested in the physical details of your face.
Like if you have pretty lips wear a bolder shade or lipstick or if you have nice eyes wear complimenting eye makeup, etc., etc.
But people don’t realize that and just old-lady their makeup up. :<
But like I said, this is all personal preference.
At the end of the day you should do and wear what makes you feel beautiful and not care about what people think.
